Haven't You Noticed Me Sleepwalking
by mayajane
Summary: Hermione has been through a lot and it's taking it's toll on her and the people she loves. Rated M, warnings inside.


Haven't You Noticed me Sleepwalking…

Warnings: Depression, suicide, self harm.

A/N: I am completely aware of how OOC this all is. But I wrote it anyway. Tell me what you think and please ignore the error. This has been sitting in my documents folder for a while and I just finished it.

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><p>I moved awkwardly in my seat, picturing myself standing up, giving the right answer and everything being okay. That's what I wanted to happen, but every time I opened my mouth to speak, fear and doubt froze me.<p>

It was a paralyzing kind of fear.

The lesson went on and I stayed still in my seat until we were dismissed. It was useless to keep trying. I knew on some level that the only bad thing that could happen was I had the wrong answer. At least that's what I told myself.

Professor Snape would hound me relentlessly for having the wrong answer. I couldn't be wrong, not ever.

I ducked out of the classroom, ignoring Harry's strange look. He was always worried about me these days. I didn't see what there was to worry about.

I almost screamed when a hand clamped on my arm, but it was only Harry. He didn't see my horrified face and took my hand in his.

"I never realized just how different Ron and I are. He just gets mad when you ignore us, where I get worried." Harry said causally. I stiffened, which he felt.

"I'm not after you Hermione, I just want to help, in any way I can." Harry promised. I looked up into his face, surprised.

Then I saw his expression. His smile dropped and he looked sad and scared for a moment. He forced the smile back in place. That gave me a sudden strength, his lie.

"Anything I want?" I asked him hopefully. He nodded.

"Thank you, Harry." I pulled him down the hall barely hearing his questions. The room of requirement opened despite my reason for coming.

Harry paused once he saw the room's fixtures.

The room had conjured one bed, a bathroom, and candles; hundreds of lit candles. I had no embarrassment about it really because Harry _had_ said anything at all.

"umm Hermione-

I put my finger to his lips and glared at him, "You said anything Harry. This is what I want."

Harry glared at me, "No. Whatever's wrong with you, this isn't going to help!" Harry pulled away and I let him.

"I'll just go ask Ron then. I'm sure he'd go for it without any questions. Or maybe Malfoy? No, Nott. Have you heard the rumors about what he does? Cuts up the girls he fucks." I said hatefully.

Harry froze at the door. "Why are you doing this?"

I looked away, "I don't know, but I need to Harry. I need this. Please?"

Harry didn't answer. I watched as he unbuttoned his school robes and threw them on the floor. He pulled his shirt over his head and undid his belt.

Nerves puddled in my stomach, but they were the good kind.

I was startled when he stripped down to nothing, completely naked. I looked into his eyes as he approached me.

"Harry-

My voice was too rough and I coughed to smooth it out. Harry pushed my robes off and lifted my shirt. I tried to breathe normally, but I was excited. I should have done this _months_ ago.

Harry kissed me, roughly, on the lips, before unsnapping my bra and pushed me onto the bed. The rest of my clothes disappeared.

Harry hovered over me, looking torn. I could feel he wanted to, but it helped to know he was hesitating.

"I want this, Harry."

Harry closed his eyes and proceeded to give me what I needed.

I drifted into sleep soon after, and when I woke Harry was sitting in the chair next to the bed. He was still naked, as was I.

"Do you feel better now?" He asked lowly, and I smiled a little. I did feel better, somewhat. A glowing feeling was spreading through my body and that felt very good.

"Yes, thank you Harry. I don't know what I would do without you." I buried my head in the warm covers, a sudden chill breezing in the room.

"I'm glad. Hermione? Let keep this between us, okay? It was just a one time thing." Harry started to reach for his clothes, and I admired the view while his words sunk in.

_One time thing…_

My good feeling evaporated because suddenly I knew I had to have more. I needed more. This couldn't be the end.

I kept my thoughts to myself, planning. Harry grabbed his school robes, fully dressed, and turned to me.

"It's almost morning. I would go get ready for classes." Then he left without a goodbye. Maybe choosing Harry had been a bad idea if he was going to go feel guilty about it. There was nothing for it though, what was done, was done and I couldn't change it even if I wanted to. Harry had been spectacular, amazing even. It made me wonder where he got the experience.

I got dressed in slow motion, thoughts of Harry and his touches distracting me. I wanted more already.

I arrived in Charms twenty minutes late, purely because I didn't want to go at all. I didn't even care when I was deducted ten points for being late. Harry looked over at me and closed his eyes. I cocked my head, confused. He motioned for Ron to scoot over and let me sit down between them.

"You have a hickey on your neck." He whispered right into my ear. I shivered with a smile. I was becoming addicted to his touch. Ron gave us a curious look, so I turned my attention to the lesson, as was habit, but in reality I was replaying my night with Harry, over and over.

Harry shifted uncomfortably next to me, so I placed a comforting hand on his arm. He jerked so violently I was actually hurt. Surely it hadn't been so horrible for him. In my memory he had enjoyed himself, but did he really?

"Mate, you okay?" Ron asked, staring at me strangely. Harry nodded and shifted as far away from me as he could get. That was the final straw. He hadn't enjoyed it; it must have been really bad for him to act like this. I would just have to fix it.

The lesson dragged on, but the moment the bell rang I gripped Harry's wrist so hard he turned white.

"Don't you dare leave." I hissed in his ear. Ron looked back at his, "Guys? Are you alright?"

"Yes, Ron, I'll meet up with you in a few minutes." Harry called and ripped his arm from my grasp when he was gone.

"What is your problem?" I asked angrily. I was furious, actually, though I'm not sure why. Harry backed away from me, his hands in front of him.

"That isn't happening again. I don't feel that way about you, Hermione. For merlin's sake you were a sister to me!" Harry yelled, half crazed.

I sighed, "Don't you see, Harry, that's why I picked you. You would never hurt me."

Harry stared at me with disgust, "If you don't leave me alone, Hermione. I will hurt you. I won't become what you want me to be. I don't feel this way about you, find someone who does."

"I'm not going to do that. I want you. I'm willing to do anything to make this happen." I promised.

Harry's eyes started to water and I didn't even feel bad about that. I didn't feel anything. Didn't he understand? I needed him to make me feel something.

"What happened to you?" He whispered, stepping closer to me. I stared at him.

"I don't know Harry. Something horrible crawled inside me and now…I don't feel anything. I feel empty. It's better when you're inside me."

He paled at the vulgar description but said nothing more as he placed his warm hands on my shoulder. His fingers dug in painfully.

"What have you done to us?" He asked.

I didn't know.

Harry came with me every night from then on. I could say I forced him, but most of the time it felt like he wanted to come. Needed to come with me. He would kiss me so hard my lips would bleed. He would push inside me so fully I could finally breathe and think. He was giving me everything I needed.

Ron was getting suspicious and I thought maybe he knew but didn't want to believe it. One night I decided to test that theory.

Ron was sitting in the common room and I wasn't due to meet Harry for two hours. "Hi, Ron."

He looked over at me, "Don't you ever eat?"

I didn't respond; because truthfully I couldn't remember the last time I ate. Maybe an apple two days ago? It didn't matter.

"I wanted to see how you were doing. I've missed you." Ron's eyes widened comically.

"I'm sure you haven't." He was right but I didn't have to tell him that. I pretend that hurt my feelings and he just looked at me.

"Ron…I really have missed you. You and Harry both." His eyes hardened in anger and his face grew red.

"Lets not pretend you guys aren't fucking every night." He said coldly and went back to his homework. I grinned at him.

"Thanks, Ron. I really just wanted to know if you'd noticed or not." He turned to face me and gripped my upper arm so tightly I thought it might fall off.

"I don't know who you are anymore. You don't even sleep for Merlin's aren't the smart, nice, innocent Hermione Granger I knew even a year ago. I don't know what happened to you and that you've had to take your pain out on Harry, the only thing good in the word anymore, is _fucking sick._ How do you live with yourself? Harry thought of you as a sister and you twisted that into something wrong!" He screamed calling the attention of everyone in the room.

My breath caught and it all hit me at once. Guilt, fear, and pain, so much pain.

I started to cry, sob and clutched Ron in my arms. "It hurt so much. I didn't…

Ron forced me to look at him, "What. Happened."

My lips quivered and struggled to get the words out. " I went to find my parents the moment all the death eaters were arrested and Voldemort was dead. I went to the house where I'd moved them…but…" My breath caught and I started to hyperventilate. Ron shook me, hard.

"What happened, Hermione?" He said insistently. I shook on my own as I spoke.

"They were dead. Long dead. Death eaters had been there maybe _months_ before. My parents had been video taping their Christmas morning when they came. I picked up the tape and played it.

The death eaters had stormed in, eight of them, and Bellatrix took my dad and tortured him for three hours. I heard my mother being raped. I knew that's what was happening and she was screaming. There wasn't anything I could do because they were already dead."

Ron let go of me but I through my arms around him. "She was raped for six hours, Ron. Without a break and she watched my father _die_. God! Bellatrix slit her throat and she died too."

Ron was shaking in my arms, crying.

"The worst part. They didn't even worry for me, because they had no idea who I was or why they were dying. My mother and Father would have been strong and I made them weak by taking away their memories and hiding them. They didn't know they had a daughter that murdered them!"

Ron held me close but it wasn't him that spoke, "You didn't kill them. Voldemort killed them."

I turned and I looked at Harry, the best friend, the brother, I'd taken down with me in my spiral insanity. Horror filled me and I was suddenly sick, spewing vomit over Ron's shoes. I ran from the room, having no idea where I was going. Harry and Ron called after me, but I ran until I reached the tower.

I leaned over the rail and pulled out my wand.

"Hermione, stop." Harry pleaded, out of breath from running after me. Ron was nowhere to be seen. Rapidly, anger rose inside.

"You were my best friend. And….._you didn't notice anything was wrong!"_ My voice turned into a scream as I looked around to face him. Harry's face was ashen.

"A year I walked around, pretending and you didn't realize how much I was hurting. I had to resort of hurting you for anyone to notice? What is wrong with everyone?"

Harry reached for me and I let him hold me. It was strange being in his arms, remember his touches. My skin heated and I pushed him away.

"I've ruined us. I want you, still."

Harry looked at me with wide green eyes, "And you've made me want you too. I don't want to fight it any longer and if I was honest I would have told you that I've had a crush on you for years. I thought you wanted Ron."

I grabbed him and kissed his lips for a few moments, just feeling his warmth. It's been so long since I'd felt so much.

"I haven't made your dream come true Harry. I don't love you or care about you like that. I just lust for you. Our friendship is over now because of what I did, what I quilted you into doing. That you have feelings for me doesn't erase how wrong I was. It's like I've been sleepwalk through this past years, blocking out the real world. Me, the real Hermione, would never have used you like I did. I can never forgive myself.

We failed each other Harry."

Harry started to cry and I used that distraction to hop onto the led and waited just a second to hear Harry's cry before I step over and jumped. His cry followed me as I fell, tearing at my heart. But he would be better off without me, so would everyone else. I infected everyone with my numbness and it was time I saved them all from it. This was the only way.

"_Hermione!"_

I fell into oblivion.


End file.
